blank paper

i'm home. i've been in lakewood for about a week and some days, and i can't shake this feeling of being a blank paper, or Snoopy! maybe. my days here have been a little solitary and dull, with the occasional Woodstock popping in and keeping me company. but still, it feels like i've been thrown into a place where i talk but no one really knows what i'm saying. they listen, but i just don't feel better after we've talked. and my brain is begging for someone to get me. or maybe it's something else that's begging.

i really don't think i'm being OA.

it's just that when i'm home i get to feeling all these weird things about my life, my past, and how much this place doesn't feel a part of me. my life is pretty set- going back to Berkeley in July to take an EMT course and continuing to work to be a PA (hopefully) some day. as for my past- high school haunts me. not like i had a bad experience or anything... i think it's 'cause i've had so many good experiences that i can't help but think about them. and this house has been the house of my high school life, not my college life. for the most part i think about feelings... 'cause i think i'm a feely kind of person. right now i don't feel happy.

but i'm trying to do things i like! 'cause that's supposed to make you happy. and then i find it hard to think of things to do that i like! because i think i've liked what other people like. ay nako. my brain is whelmed.

but here's a list of things i'm pretty sure i like because i like them, not because other people influenced me to like them:
-reading. i need a good book to read and am looking for recommendations!
-flowers. if i own a business one day this is on the list of one i'd try. maybe.
-playing with kids. this is another one to put on the list of businesses i'd start (#1: Daycare).
-picnics. yeah, they're nice.
-scrapbooking. too bad supplies are expensive.
-ice cream. i'm trying to cut back.
-sweets in general. mmm... too bad my metabolism is slower.
-good conversations. hard to come by sometimes.
-piano. wish i played.
-playing sports. even though i'm kinda bad at them. i need to get in shape.
-observing sea animals. they're fascinating. and i plan to go to Monterey Bay one day 'cause i heard their aquarium is gorgeous. wish going to Long Beach aquarium was free.

yeah, things cost money. that's another thing- sometimes i feel trapped 'cause i don't want to spend money. but i gotta think like an engineer. the book my sister's reading said, engineers "do the best with limited resources" and they're happy with that. ok, i can work on that.

but i think no matter what i do this place will feel small and confining. and i think i would be really unhappy if i moved back. i love my parents and really love my family... i miss them while i'm up north, i just like being up north better than here. wish there was a place where i felt completely happy. it would have a flower like this maybe (good photo, Jojo):


that was the most personal blog i've written. and i don't even know why people write personal blogs 'cause you never know who reads them. oh well. helps me gather my thoughts!